El Intersecion: Franchise Doctor II – Die Hard Edition

Hello readers!

 

Yes, it’s been a while.  But instead of me making excuses as to our lack of recent activity, I’d much rather just jump right in. 

 

As some of you may remember, we here at El Intersection enjoy telling Hollywood executives how to do their jobs from time to time.  Our aim is to ridicule the mediocrity out of Hollywood to ensure more awesome movies such as The Dark Knight, Inglorious Basterds, and Demolition Man (seriously, watch it again).  Last time we tackled how to make the Spider-Man franchise not suck.  This time, we’re covering the grand daddy of American action flicks.  I’m speaking, of course, of……

 

Scared? YOU SHOULD BE.

 

 

Die Hard still stands today as one of the greatest action movies of all time, mainly because it was actually a good film that happened to have lots of explosions and shootings.  Interesting characters, intriguing plot, Eric Stoltz getting punched in the face – this movie had it all.  It also gave America the iconic everyman action hero John McClane, a guy who looked more realistic than the uber-chiseled Arnold and Sly but could still totally kick your ass.  The second movie was also entertaining, and the third, although it lacked the intensity of the first and felt the need to saddle McClane with a sidekick (although if you’re going to give him a sidekick, who better than Samuel L. Jackson?), is still fun to watch on FX on a lazy Sunday afternoon.  So far, so good. 

 

Say "what?" again...

 

Then came Live Free or Die Hard.  It sounded promising enough: high-tech terrorists up against old-school John McClane.  However, there were things amiss in this movie even beyond Bruce Willis’ shaved head.  The “old vs. new” dynamic came less like analogue still owning digital’s silly ass and more like McClane walking aimlessly around, asking how those computer thingamagigs work and screaming desperately for those damn punks to get off his lawn.  Also, it was rated PG-13.  That’s right, PG goddamn 13.  This meant that all of the staples of the Die Hard saga were gone: no gratuituous blood, no McClane running around with a cigarette in his mouth, and NO “Yippie kiyay, mother fucker.”  On top of all of this, old man McClane’s side kick this time was the vaguely Asian Mac guy, Justin Long.

 

Pictured: Our best defense against cyber-terrorism

 

Some of you might say that it’s time to let this franchise die, but I refuse to accept McClane going out like that.  But where to go from here?  We say bring the series back to its roots with McClane going up alone against some terrorists/thieves/foreign dudes with machine guns in a confined area.  The beauty of the first film was that McClane was trapped in the Nakatomi building.  He had no back up, limited ammo, and no where to run.  The third and fourth films had him and his sidekick running around all over NYC and the greater D.C. area, respetively.  The thrilling claustrophic nature of the first two films was gone and one of the most badass action series was reduced to generic chase sequences with explosions.  Put McClane through the ringer one more time and give us an explosive, tense story and we’re all back on board to send off the great American action series. 

 

Our suggestion?  Post office.  Yeah, you heard me.  Have John McClane having to fight bad guys while waiting in line at the post office.  The bad guys can be left-wing radicals who want to kill people because some horses died making the glue on stamps, right-wing radicals who were once loud patriots but now want to destroy all government entities in “protest” to Obama, or just plain old-fashioned crazed postal workers.  Hell, why not all three?

 

Close enough.

Saturday Night Fever on Cracked.com

That’s right: Cracked.com keeps letting us publish posts on their site. This one is about the disco-era movie Saturday Night Fever, starring everyone’s 2nd favorite Scientologist: John Travolta. Click on the logo below to pour our hot funny all over your naughty parts.

John Lennon & 4 Other Celebrities Who Died at Just the Right Time

A couple weeks ago, my colleague Rory slammed your face into the truth: some people would have been better off if a transvestite had beaten them to death before they made The Adventures of Pluto Nash. That isn’t to say these people were never cherished members of society –  we’re just saying they aren’t now. Sadly, the best case scenario for some celebrities is actually to give up making cheesy movies and flashing their junk and just die already. Don’t believe us? Just look at the list below – in no particular order – of people who got out while the getting was good.

Janis Joplin. According to her fans, Janis Joplin was one of the greatest blues singers of her generation, appearing at the Monterey Pop Festival and Woodstock. She had a voice that could “sing the chic off any listener.” According to most historical documents, however, Janis Joplin was a herion addict and alcoholic with a decent blues voice – who happened to also be white and, therefore, completely overrated. Surely, no one would ever match Janis’ hunger for both illegal substances and blue-eyed soul.

Not so fast - Amy is addicted to crack, thank you.

Why’d she do it? While many claim it was an accidental overdose on heroin, alcohol and ego, we have the inside scoop: you know the best way to divert attention from your lack of talent and substance abuse? Dying. Want to be remembered? Die around the same time as Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison.

What if she’d lived? We’ll put it this way: if Justin Timberlake dies anytime soon, you’d better fucking believe Amy Winehouse is locking herself in a hotel room with all the Scotch and crack in the UK.

Heath Ledger. Heath Ledger died as an actor who “went too soon,” meaning that most believed his best days lay ahead. Ledger seemed to confirm this when his portrayal of the Joker won a posthumous Academy Award for Best Actor. This came on the heels of his previous feature film, Brokeback Mountain, in which he “cowboy’d up” for the love whose name we dare not speak, thus proving that blowing a Gyllenhaal will will make you famous – but blowing one up will make you legendary.

For your Oscar consideration.

Why’d he do it? There’s a good chance he didn’t mean to, as most reports claim he accidentally overdosed. Then again, we feel it necessary to reiterate that he did star in the 8^th highest-grossing romantic drama in history with Jake Gyllenhaal.

To be fair, they told him it was about a "dude ranch."

What if he’d lived? We’re pretty sure he’d have been back in some form or another for a future Batman film – but there’s also the chance that he’d have made the sequel to Brokeback Mountain: Bottomsup Canyon.

Kurt Cobain. Best known for blowing his head off for pretty much no goddamn reason, Kurt Cobain also made some records and stuff. As the frontman for Nirvana, he helped to usher in the grunge rock era of the 90s, which produced bands like Alice in Chains, Pearl Jam and Soundgarden. He died a legend of rock, and has since been placed on a pedestal well beyond the reach of his contemporaries.

Why’d he do it? Speculation swirls around the mystery of Cobain’s death. Was it the drugs? Was it depression? Was it the inability to reconcile his newfound stardom with the ever-present need to identify with his underground roots? Or, perhaps, it was the fact he put his dick in this:

Everything she touches turns to shit.

What if he’d lived? Well, for starters, he’d likely still be with the above-mentioned psychopath. Beyond that, we have to point out that 90s bands don’t impress us these days. Alice in Chains and Soundgarden both broke up (though Alice in Chains did reform later) and Pearl Jam is wildly overrated. The best we could have hoped for was a book of musings after Nirvana broke up entitled, “Babies Shouldn’t Be So Frivolous & Other Things Courtney Says.”

Bruce Lee. Even as I write this, I worry that the ghost of Bruce Lee is behind me, waiting to put its fist through my dark heart. If you look closely at his films, you’ll notice that he rarely punched or kicked his opponents; most everyone realized you threw yourself on the mercy of Bruce’s fists and feet, or risk having your soul pulled right through your goddamn nose.

Why’d he do it? Some say he was accidentally shot on set. One movie about his life indicated that an ancient Chinese group set out to assassinate Bruce for teaching Westerners martial arts. However, the truth is far more terrifying: Bruce simply realized dying was the only way he would ever be free to beat the universe in a way he found satisfactory.

Roughly.

What if he’d lived? That wouldn’t have been very fair to Jackie Chan.

John Lennon. At worst, he was one quarter of the Beatles, one of the most influential rock groups of all time. At best, he was the heart and soul of the Beatles, and one of the greatest songwriters in history. He was an activist, a visionary and an innovative musician in an era of innovative musicians. This was his legacy.

Why’d he do it? Unfortunately for John Lennon, despite the numerous accolades and talents listed above, the term “bulletproof” is very clearly absent. This fact did not escape Mark David Chapman, Mark David Chapman’s gun or the voices in Mark David Chapman’s head.

Correction: HE is the walrus.

What if he’d lived? We at el Intersection are as big a fan of the Beatles’ and John’s works as anyone – but with Yoko whispering in his ear, we can’t help but see the path before John in 1980: becoming more of an activist, “experimenting” with new sounds every decade and wearing shades all the fucking time. It’s probably not as bad as it sounds, though.

Or worse in every imaginable way.

Want to know who should have died sooner? Click here!